Wow

Friday night I headed back to Visalia again.

We are going to go out and see Mr. Rude (band)

He was acting stupid again.

The other guy was there and looking very good. It is hard not to think about him, because we have so much in common and I am SOOO attracted to him.

As the guy was drinking more he began to act more and more stupid. I started to actually push him away. I know I hurt his feelings, but I hate when alcohol makes a person act dumb.

In a childish fit he walked away to go cool off. I was looking at the other guy...and I leaned over and just told him how I felt. He told me he had felt the same thing from the beginning too.

That night my guy asked if I was coming over and I told him no, that I was going home...But just then the other guy texted me and asked me if I wanted stay to talk.

We had a fantastic evening together.

Yesterday I called up R and let him know that I just wanted to be friends...that I didn't see us going anywhere, he actually agreed.

So now A and I can see where things take us....

*Sigh*

Last night I was able to sneak away from home and go visit my "friend".

Went there for a 4th party. There were a small group of us, there was plenty of alcohol, and plenty of skin showing all around.

I was there to see him, but I am SOOOO attracted to his best friend. His friend and I actually hit it off really well and we have a million things in common.

Whereas I have ZERO in common with the other guy...he is just someone that I can fuck.

And he happens to also suck at that, he is very inexperienced and I get him too excited to last long...

I was bad last night and did something he had never experienced before....he loved it and was overwelmed by it at the same time. Why do I get such a rush over having that control over a man. I love to see that in a man's eyes....

I want out of my current situation, so I can move on and find someone I really want to be with.

Sexy

I need a real man to take me...

I want to be romanticized....touched, teased, pleased....

I need to.....

I desperately need to find a release, but not just once... I want one man to be there for me...over and over again.

There is a way that a man can kiss a woman. I have been kissed that way by one man in my life and I want that again and don't want to settle ever again.

I refuse to settle for a selfish lover.

I want a man that wants to give as much as I love to give. If it goes both ways there is so much pleasure.

Sensuality seems to be a thing of the past....

Shamed...Not Really

Shouldn't I feel ashamed? Should I feel like I use and control and that I am a horrible person?

Why is it that I do not feel ashamed? Has my conscious gone away? Hidden? Or have I just ridden over it so many times I can no longer hear it.

Or is it that I no longer want to conform to societies view of what is right and wrong, I no longer really give a shit about what others think of me.

I can bring a man to his knees with my body and my mouth, I am desirable, I know what a man wants and give it....

But I want more than just sexual gratification...I want love and a relationship. I want passion, romance and LOVE.

To Answer Your Question

You asked about my current situation.

I currently reside in Fresno...back with the same young man I had left before going to Kansas.

It is very convoluted. I don't want to be where I am and I am very unhappy. I actually just told him the other night that I don't love him in the manner that I should.

And don't judge me, but I am seeing a guy on the side...I am talking to the male friend I just wrote the previous post about and would love to start an actual relationship with someone....

I just have the worst damn luck with men.

Long Lost Friend

I was thrilled when this young man found me.

This was a young man (Len) that I had thought about for the last 12 years, wondering what happened. How he was? Was he even alive?

I remember vividly our last evening together. We were really, really good friends. We had driven to White City to watch a movie...Don't remember what movie.

But after the movie we drove back to Rogue River and sat in the church parking lot to just talk.
We were great at talking. I knew he loved me...but I didn't feel that way about him. I loved him dearly, but not in a romantic sort of way. That night he told me about his feelings for me, as gently as I could....I broke his heart. He dropped me off angry and hurt...

It always left me wondering what became of him.

We began talking again and it was as if we had never left off. We just reconnected, he has been through some hell in his life as well. We have no problem communicating.

As we continued to talk it came out that after all these years, he still feels the same about me. He loves me. We have talked....and talked....and talked about it.

I do love him. I am just terrified that I would hurt him and break his heart and I could never bare if I hurt this sweet, sweet man.

I thought about leaving Bob and running to Oregon to be with Len. But I couldn't....I am still dealing with shit from my ex-hubby, I am in debt up to my eye balls....and I am terrified of hurting this beautiful man.

New Start

So I packed up my vehicle and moved to Kansas....

I got there and everything was wonderful...almost.

The sex was fantastic. Except I wore him out. There were times, he would say enough, no more...

Communication was good, we fit together well....

He had some issues though from past relationships and I HATE being compaired to other people. I am SO different from others.

I started making myself at home in his house and that made him very happy. He wanted to feel domesticated, as he had been a hard core Marine for 30 years and wanted "Normal".

Unfortunately his Marine side took over when there was any disagreements between us. I don't do well with being barked at or ordered to obey. I AM VERY STUBBORN.

I was having a hell of a time finding a damn job, which was making me a little depressed, he worked LONG hours from 3pm to about 3 am. Which reeked havoc on any chance of normal life hours. And he normally worked 7 days a week, with the off chance of getting a few days off once a month. After a few weeks of being there, I found a part time job at the local grocery store. I was making 5.25/hr. (and they made me work my ass off) That hurt my pride a little, as I had been making 15/hr in Ca.

About a month after I got there we discovered we were pregnant....that is when hell started breaking loose. I couldn't work at the grocery store anymore because they required me to lift heavy things I couldn't being pregnant...

He was stressed out, but really happy about the baby.

I was damn depressed....I was tired of being at his house nonstop, with nothing to do and no friends....I was pregnant and feeling like shit, and he was never home.

Our arguments started getting bad, and over really stupid shit. I always would end up just saying "ok your right!" Just so we didn't have to argue.

I was spending hours on the computer...I was bored.

One day I checked my myspace account and one of my dearest high school friends that I had been searching for found me I was elated...

After being with "nice guy" for a year and a half, I had had enough and was not happy cheating, I wanted to be in an actual relationship and tried to leave him.

On a night out with my best friend Mike...

I met Bob.

Bob was so much my style of man. He met many of the social/emotional/sexual needs I was lacking.

Several days after meeting Bob, I told "nice guy" I was leaving. He fell apart. Came unglued....Sobbed, begged.

My heart broke, this was the nicest man in the world and I was breaking his poor little heart.

I felt like the biggest loser in the entire world. Why couldn't I be cold hearted like so many other people??

I finally ended it, by saying we would see what happens in the future...

A few months later I moved midwest to live with Bob.

I did leave the guy in Reno.

I let him leave to go to work one day and I just packed up and drove back to Ca.

And moved in with the "nice guy".

Now let me tell you about the nice guy.

He is sweet, sensitive, serious, makes great money, did I mention sweet?

But he has no personality, no communication skills, and definately no romance (sex) skills.

But he is safe...

Let me define when I say no sex skills. The man is happy with once a month (or two months) for him foreplay is about 5 minutes of touching and sloppy kissing. Then when he enters, he is able to last for about 30 seconds...sometimes almost a full minute before he ejaculates. He always blames it on me just being to damn sexy and making him so turned on.

All of the above does nothing AT ALL for me.

Over the first year I was with him I cheated on him several times. Its usually when he is gone on extended work related stuff. At first I felt a little guilty, but no longer do.

I have had very serious heart to heart talks with him about how I feel and the lack of sex and excitement. But he is more than satisfied with status quo. I am not.

I know that makes me a horrible person, but I guess I no longer care.

So I moved over to Reno with this young man. At first it was a match made in heaven. We got along great...the sex was fantastic...his family loved me. (I know! That was a rebound like no other)


Then the problems started...he was spending money like it was going out of style, he was drinking like a fish, and had some very bad habits and a temper to boot.

I quickly realized (inside of 2 months) that I had made a HUGE mistake moving there.

But I had kept in touch with the nice guy....

Chaos

After the first time I cheated on my hubby, I started really not caring for him. It became easy to just be a bitch. (He was always treating my like shit, so why not give it back to him).

All the more I was growing in my own thoughts and feelings, knowing what I liked and wanted.

I knew the marriage was over, but what kept me holding on were the kids. They were my life. I was not their real mother, but they had no other mother and needed me in their life.

For the rest of our marriage I was faithful. I came very close a few time to massing around, but it just wasn't worth the effort or getting caught. Plus I hate drama and sneaking around, so I just decided to wait till I was able to divorce.

One night I was out with some friends, met in person a man I had talked to on the phone many times (work related) and "thought" I had met the man of my dreams.

After work the next day, I let my husband know I wanted a divorce. About a week later I moved out and stayed with a girlfriend. While staying with this friend, she took me out for a "get over" my husband night out. I ended up being the sober one and she was fairly drunk. While out I met a fantastic, wonder guy, we exchanged phone numbers. The next week we went on a date and he ended up being one of the absolute sweetest people I have ever met, truely genuine.

A month later I moved to another state to see what happened with the other man, meanwhile the "nice" guy and I kept in contact.

Taking him back

I took my husband back despite all the foreboding feelings I had. The sex was bad, but we got along so good, and he needed a woman to take care of all aspects of life for him.

We were together for a few more years...life was boring, sex was boring (though I was completely faithful), we argued non stop.

The place I was working, I became very good friends with a particular man that worked in my department. We started out talking about the major problems his wife was having with his daughter (from another marriage) and he knew I was a step mom and wanted to know what I thought. We continue getting to know one another and one day he told me that when he thought about me it made him hard. I was really cautious about that, as we were both married and we worked in a large company. I could not afford for ANY rumors to be started. But I liked the fact that this really good looking man was in to me.

When we would work alone together he would grab my ass and make comments. He would tell me things that he wanted to do to my body. Finally he laid it on the line and said he wanted me and that I had to make up my mind what I wanted.

I was so bored with my marriage and unhappy with my hubby....

I met him the next week at a hotel in another town and we got busy. He was a meticulous lover and so sweet. He met so many needs that had long been unfulfilled. We left there that day vowing to be together again.

On the drive home the guilt set in. I had never cheated on him. I went home and made a fabulous dinner and tried to make a special evening of it. He was an absolute ass to me, at that moment I no longer felt an ounce of guilt for fucking another man.

BUT I never again slept with that man, because I knew he loved his wife dearly and i wanted no part of him having problems in his marriage. He begged me for years to be with him again....never have and we are still friends to this day.

When I met the man that would eventually become my husband I was still very naive and had much to learn about life. I was 19.

I met this guy that was larger than life, a charmer and smooth as silk. I was mesmerized, overwelmed and besotted my him. He was my everything. I wanted him and only him.

We had a fantastic sex life. Until.

Until I found out he cheated on me, and then I found out his ex was pregnant. In retrospect I should have run as fast as I could....but I was smitten, I forgave and continued to take care of this man.

But as time went on and I figured out he was so selfish, took and took from me.

As time wore on the sex became SO boring and ritualistic. I could go weeks and weeks with out an ounce of desire for him. But I had desire for every other hot looking man I saw on the face of the earth.

After 4 years of being in this, I became enamored with a young man. We were friends and he began telling me that I didn't deserve how I was being treated and deserve better, I agreed and left my hubby. I moved in with this other man as "roommates". We had fantastic time being together, until (he was military) he was called to go to Georgia and I didn't want to leave California so I stayed. My hubby came crawling back, admitting he was terrible and that he couldn't live with out me. Like an idiot I took him back.

After I broke up with my hot blonde jail bait, I went a little on the crazy side.

I was SO lonely, and I entered on of those ads for dating. I was 18, and very, very bored.

I went on a few dates and was thrilled when the weirdos dropped me back off at home.

But there were a few guys that I really dug, they were nice and I immediately fell very hard for them. At the time I was still naive enough to think that these guys actually cared for me and after a few dates I was more than willing to sleep with them.

I remember I ran into one guy that I had gone to high school with, we talked on the phone for a bit and then later that day we ended up having rough sex. He actually hurt me and made me feel stupid. Afterwards, he stood up zipped his pants and walked out.

That moment defined me. I was never going to let another man treat me this way. I never again went for players. I liked guys that were a little on the shy and naive side. I liked corrupting them. Making them know they had been with the very best.

This continued on for a year or so until I met my future husband....

Just a child

After my experiences with my first love and the harsh heartaches that ensued, (there is much to the story about the last blog) something inside me broke a little and I became a little harder.

At the age of 18, I ended up connecting with a young man that was 4 years my jr. He was a blond Scandinavian god. His mom was ok with me being older.

If she had any sense she would have told me to stay far from her son.

We began very innocently enough...we were actually just really good friends, until one evening talking on the phone, he let me know that his feelings went beyond that.

We started casually dating and hanging out more often. I was just happy being around him. After several months of being together, he finally kissed me. That opened a door that should have stayed closed.

Needless to say, but I knew better and he was only thinking in a manner that any 14 yr old would think. We did everything but have actual sex....when we split, I knew that I had hurt him terribly. I have even tried to contact him and tell him how sorry I am, but I know that is an exercise in futility.

Where it all Started

Aww, here is my anonymity....

Where shall I start???

How about way back when.

My first experience. I loved this boy, loved him, loved him, loved him.

I would have done anything for him.

But let me take you back a bit....I was raised very strict christian where sex is out of the question unless you are married.

So things heat up, we are getting hot and heavy. We end up spending too much time by ourselves and of course we end up doing the deed. I remember laying there feeling so much pleasure and SO much guilt. I was so torn. I wanted to enjoy it and yet I was afraid I was gonna get struck by lightning.

So I did nothing, I laid there like a limp doll, I had no idea what I was supposed to do or otherwise.

yep, that came back to bite me...after this boy broke my little heart, rumors started floating that I was a limp fish.

Well we can't have anyone thinking that I was a limp fish and so begins my odyssey into being the best...leaving people begging for more and a side of me I hate.