Monday, July 9, 2007


Friday night I headed back to Visalia again.

We are going to go out and see Mr. Rude (band)

He was acting stupid again.

The other guy was there and looking very good. It is hard not to think about him, because we have so much in common and I am SOOO attracted to him.

As the guy was drinking more he began to act more and more stupid. I started to actually push him away. I know I hurt his feelings, but I hate when alcohol makes a person act dumb.

In a childish fit he walked away to go cool off. I was looking at the other guy...and I leaned over and just told him how I felt. He told me he had felt the same thing from the beginning too.

That night my guy asked if I was coming over and I told him no, that I was going home...But just then the other guy texted me and asked me if I wanted stay to talk.

We had a fantastic evening together.

Yesterday I called up R and let him know that I just wanted to be friends...that I didn't see us going anywhere, he actually agreed.

So now A and I can see where things take us....

Thursday, July 5, 2007


Last night I was able to sneak away from home and go visit my "friend".

Went there for a 4th party. There were a small group of us, there was plenty of alcohol, and plenty of skin showing all around.

I was there to see him, but I am SOOOO attracted to his best friend. His friend and I actually hit it off really well and we have a million things in common.

Whereas I have ZERO in common with the other guy...he is just someone that I can fuck.

And he happens to also suck at that, he is very inexperienced and I get him too excited to last long...

I was bad last night and did something he had never experienced before....he loved it and was overwelmed by it at the same time. Why do I get such a rush over having that control over a man. I love to see that in a man's eyes....

I want out of my current situation, so I can move on and find someone I really want to be with.

Tuesday, July 3, 2007


I need a real man to take me...

I want to be romanticized....touched, teased, pleased....

I need to.....

I desperately need to find a release, but not just once... I want one man to be there for me...over and over again.

There is a way that a man can kiss a woman. I have been kissed that way by one man in my life and I want that again and don't want to settle ever again.

I refuse to settle for a selfish lover.

I want a man that wants to give as much as I love to give. If it goes both ways there is so much pleasure.

Sensuality seems to be a thing of the past....

Saturday, June 23, 2007

Shamed...Not Really

Shouldn't I feel ashamed? Should I feel like I use and control and that I am a horrible person?

Why is it that I do not feel ashamed? Has my conscious gone away? Hidden? Or have I just ridden over it so many times I can no longer hear it.

Or is it that I no longer want to conform to societies view of what is right and wrong, I no longer really give a shit about what others think of me.

I can bring a man to his knees with my body and my mouth, I am desirable, I know what a man wants and give it....

But I want more than just sexual gratification...I want love and a relationship. I want passion, romance and LOVE.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

To Answer Your Question

You asked about my current situation.

I currently reside in Fresno...back with the same young man I had left before going to Kansas.

It is very convoluted. I don't want to be where I am and I am very unhappy. I actually just told him the other night that I don't love him in the manner that I should.

And don't judge me, but I am seeing a guy on the side...I am talking to the male friend I just wrote the previous post about and would love to start an actual relationship with someone....

I just have the worst damn luck with men.

Long Lost Friend

I was thrilled when this young man found me.

This was a young man (Len) that I had thought about for the last 12 years, wondering what happened. How he was? Was he even alive?

I remember vividly our last evening together. We were really, really good friends. We had driven to White City to watch a movie...Don't remember what movie.

But after the movie we drove back to Rogue River and sat in the church parking lot to just talk.
We were great at talking. I knew he loved me...but I didn't feel that way about him. I loved him dearly, but not in a romantic sort of way. That night he told me about his feelings for me, as gently as I could....I broke his heart. He dropped me off angry and hurt...

It always left me wondering what became of him.

We began talking again and it was as if we had never left off. We just reconnected, he has been through some hell in his life as well. We have no problem communicating.

As we continued to talk it came out that after all these years, he still feels the same about me. He loves me. We have talked....and talked....and talked about it.

I do love him. I am just terrified that I would hurt him and break his heart and I could never bare if I hurt this sweet, sweet man.

I thought about leaving Bob and running to Oregon to be with Len. But I couldn't....I am still dealing with shit from my ex-hubby, I am in debt up to my eye balls....and I am terrified of hurting this beautiful man.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

New Start

So I packed up my vehicle and moved to Kansas....

I got there and everything was wonderful...almost.

The sex was fantastic. Except I wore him out. There were times, he would say enough, no more...

Communication was good, we fit together well....

He had some issues though from past relationships and I HATE being compaired to other people. I am SO different from others.

I started making myself at home in his house and that made him very happy. He wanted to feel domesticated, as he had been a hard core Marine for 30 years and wanted "Normal".

Unfortunately his Marine side took over when there was any disagreements between us. I don't do well with being barked at or ordered to obey. I AM VERY STUBBORN.

I was having a hell of a time finding a damn job, which was making me a little depressed, he worked LONG hours from 3pm to about 3 am. Which reeked havoc on any chance of normal life hours. And he normally worked 7 days a week, with the off chance of getting a few days off once a month. After a few weeks of being there, I found a part time job at the local grocery store. I was making 5.25/hr. (and they made me work my ass off) That hurt my pride a little, as I had been making 15/hr in Ca.

About a month after I got there we discovered we were pregnant....that is when hell started breaking loose. I couldn't work at the grocery store anymore because they required me to lift heavy things I couldn't being pregnant...

He was stressed out, but really happy about the baby.

I was damn depressed....I was tired of being at his house nonstop, with nothing to do and no friends....I was pregnant and feeling like shit, and he was never home.

Our arguments started getting bad, and over really stupid shit. I always would end up just saying "ok your right!" Just so we didn't have to argue.

I was spending hours on the computer...I was bored.

One day I checked my myspace account and one of my dearest high school friends that I had been searching for found me I was elated...